i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize