i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
