it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
