Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
