just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize