We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
