I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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