the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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