I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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