We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You are the jesus of drinking
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
