My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize