There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
