So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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