Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize