you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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