Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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