don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
