oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize