a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
