you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
