last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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