I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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