1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i need an iv and a liver transplant
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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