Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
