I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
