So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize