Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
