He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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