I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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