u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
