I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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