i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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