I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you would pick up someone in the library
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
