i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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