I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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