...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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