my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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