I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
