you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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