Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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