I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize