at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
