i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
