we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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