I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
FUCK WHALES
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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