Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
