my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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