highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
