did you get engaged???
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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