im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
