My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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