And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
