I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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