I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
