Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
