I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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