just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
