At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
