EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
