What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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