I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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