does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
