I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
