Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
